Years and years ago, when I was younger and skinnier, I did something that I am equally proud as I am ashamed of.
That’s right, I took advantage of two teenage Mormon boys.
There. It’s out. Let the hate mail pour in.
In my defense, I was a distraught and newly-single mother of 3 toddlers. I was young and naive, heartbroken and devastated, lonely and confused, it was springtime and I was ovulating… ?
Two blond haired, blue eyed boys with skin as milky and smooth as a baby’s bottom came knocking on my door one afternoon and asked if they could have a moment of my time.
“no”
I responded.
“I’m busy. I have to wash the dishes.”
“We can wash them for you.”
I didn’t have any dirty dishes.
“I also have to clean out the garage”
“We can help”
I didn’t have a garage.
“I have to landscape my entire front yard”
“We’ll do it for you, if you just give us an hour of your time.”
“The whole yard?”
“Yes. And you don’t have to do anything. Just give us an hour of your time when we are finished.”
“But the yard will take you days to finish”
“That’s OK. We’ll do it”
Every day for the next week, I would send the kids to daycare, do my hair and make-up, put on a mini-skirt, short shorts or a bikini, and plant myself on the balcony to direct the slaves of the lord while they dug up roots and weeds, shopped down trees, pruned shrubs and thorny rose bushes and labored through my barrage of antagonizing questions.
“Can I get you a beer? Really? Not even one? Why? That’s stupid”
I poured myself another margarita.
“So, are blow-jobs considered pre-marital sex? Well, can you masturbate next to each other then? Ever? What? Why? That’s so stupid!”
I hung myself over the porch to interrogate them more directly, with my cleavage bursting in their saint-like faces.
“But, if you meet a girl one day and she has the most beautiful soft hair you ever saw and she smells so good it gives you butterflies in your tummy and her lips are so full and juicy that you want to bite them and when you’re alone and naked in the shower or in your bed getting these little aches because you can’t stop thinking about her and you want so badly just to touch her… you’re not allowed to touch yourself just a little tiny bit?”
I’m pretty sure I saw a tear run down one of their faces.
“No”
“Wow, that’s sad.”
after 5 days of grueling work under the hot sun, I made good on my promise to invite the boys inside for lemonade and attempted brainwashing but by then they were feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted.
They left pamphlets on the sofa and wished me well.
I apologized for being such an uncooperative candidate and thanked them profusely for their hard-work.
“The yard looks amazing!”
“uh huh…”
As they packed up their briefcases and straightened their name tags I asked why they had come back day after day, working their Jesus loving fingers to the bone, even after it had become so painfully evident to them that I was a hopeless case.
“We’re obligated to help anyone who is in need.”
Years later (yesterday), on my way home from a comfy visit and 17 hour chat with one of my best girls about parenting, marriage and why her dog humps stuffed animals, I found myself sitting at the metro station writing a list of all of my immediate life problems and obstacles.
1. I need $200.00 in order to make this month’s rent
2. My teenage daughters are going to bully me to death and feed off my carcass if I don’t find a calm assertive way to dominate the hell out of them soon.
3. I’m tired of being a medical mystery and even more tired of doctors telling me that the most important thing is for me to avoid stress. Having a mystery disease, no money and children who are secretly plotting to kill you in your sleep is a little stressful.
4. My full time job for the last 10 months has been looking for a job and it doesn’t pay very well.
5. I need to $24,000.00 so I can stop looking for a job and stay home for a year to finish writing my book, finish writing my album, finish writing my one-woman play and master the art of calm assertive domination (a box set of Cesar Millan on DVD may suffice).
6. I need a massage
7. My house is a disaster and I can’t seem to find the time to get it organized
8. I’m too scared to open my Hydro bill because last time I looked at it, it was about $5,000.00
9. The litter box needs changing
10. I need a personal assistant or 4 clones of myself so I can get my life organized and tackle some of these obstacles.
“Excuse me…”
I look up from my list.
“My name is Julie Somethingorother and I’m a missionary from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Do you believe in Jesus?”
“Um… Julie, to be honest, I’m kind of on the fence about that one.”
“I see. Well, is there anything you need?”
“No thank you Julie, I’m good.”
My metro pulled up at this moment. I stood up, smiled at Julie and got on the train. Just as the doors closed I remembered a blond haired blue eyed boy with skin as soft and milky as a baby’s bottom saying to me…
“We’re obligated to help anyone who is in need.”
I looked down at my list. I looked up to see Julie’s face disappearing in the distance as the train pulled away from the station and felt a single tear trickle down my cheek as I wimpered,
“Juuuuuuuuuuuliiiiieeeeeeeee…………..”
Seriously though, if I had said
“Right. Julie, you can start with the dishes and floors before you begin today’s job search. You need to have a word with the kids about how they like their socks folded and then we’ll get you some fresh litter because that cat box probably isn’t going to change itself…”
would she really have been obligated?
Original article: The Calm and Assertive Domination of the Latter-day Saints